Perhaps one of the more frustrating things about bipolar disorder is finding and keeping employment, or so it has been for me. As noted previously, I have other challenges that have contributed to employment issues. In the past 20 years, I have had approximately 20 jobs. In truth, if I could have found a part-time job with benefits, I may have had fewer jobs. This is where a great deal of my frustration lies, those who are able to receive government assistance and more specifically medical assistance, have been pregnant woman, parents with children and those who have a disability. So, is bipolar disorder a disability? Yes, however, in order to receive medicaid or government medical assistance you must file for Social Security Disability, which must be approved. This can be a two or more year process, which usually involves a lawyer; I will cover this in more detail in a later post.
The point being, it has been impossible to find part-time work with medical benefits that would allow me to make enough to support myself. Don’t misunderstand me, I wanted and tried, for 20 plus years, to work a regular full-time job. In fact, I have never had any aversion to hard work. I started babysitting at 10 years old. I had three paper routes in elementary and middle school. I babysat throughout my entire pre-college years, I was a bagger at the local grocery store, I kept house for a women. Every summer for seven years, I worked as a tour guide at a state park. In college I worked at a bakery, an ice cream shop and for professors in my department. I lived and worked out of state as a nanny and later on a ranch for a summer. I like to work and I am happy to work, that has not been the problem. The only extended period of time that I did not work was when I was first married and had my daughter, I have always been employed. The exception being this past 18 months when my medical treatment went awry. Following my divorce, I went back to work and started my first professional job. I was living in Silicon Valley during the “dot.com” years and jobs were plentiful as was the chance to increase your salary rather quickly. I took advantage of this and doubled my salary, by doing a bit of job hopping. Unfortunately, the dot.com bubble burst and I along with the majority of my friends were laid off. I returned to college and completed my Bachelor’s Degree and was recruited for a position in Boston. The specific type of work was not something I was terribly interested in, but the opportunity, pay and company looked good. In less than 9 months, I was on short term disability (STD) and struggling to cope with the demands, hours and politics of the position. It wasn’t that I wasn’t smart enough, it was, as I have explained previously, the exhaustion of living each day with bipolar. The exhaustion combined with the normal stresses of a professional job, the politics and the long hours pushed me beyond my limit. After months of being on STD and still struggling to find the right medications, I left. Thanks to a friend, I spent a few months recuperating while working with my doctors to find the right combination of medications. Eventually, we got the medications in a good enough place that I felt I could try working again, which I did. For years, I had what I called a “traveling or moving bug”. If I was in one place too long, I started to feel antsy, this makes living a stable life difficult. Once the medications were in place, for the first time, since I could recall, I thought, "I hope that I can live in this house and stay at this job for a long, long time". This was a new and nice feeling for me. In the meantime, as much as I wanted to remain at my job , the familiar stressors started to increase: the politics, the deadlines, the hours- always the hours. As in school, I had to work three times harder than the other members of my team to keep up. Although, my bipolar medications were in a good place, the long hours and strain of politics took a toll on me. My bosses were impressed with me and I had received some good raises; I wanted to be able to keep up and stay at the company, but it was too much. My boss worked with me and I was able to work from home for a while, but eventually I knew what would happen. I left the job and took a job with less responsibility and hourly wages hoping this would keep me from overworking myself. Of course all of this came at a much lower pay and I just couldn’t make it financially. For the next nearly 10 years, this became the pattern for me-- salaried professional position with a good company and advancement, unable to sustain the demands, quit, take less demanding hourly job with low pay, unable to sustain myself financially, quit and repeat. There wasn’t any way for me to take care of myself and my daughter, financially, and at the same time take care of my health. There were many times, I wished that I could have gone to my boss and explained, I have bipolar disorder, these are my challenges. Technically, I should have been able to do that and, with the support of the law, they would be required to find accommodations to help me succeed. The reality was, that the stigma was so great, it would have caused me more problems than help. Early in my career, I assumed that my conversations with Human Resources would be confidential, but I can’t say I have found that to be true. In addition to the particular challenges I have noted, most psychotropic medications have side effects that make work challenging. Vital to keeping my mood stabilized (and this is true for all people with the disorder) is sleep. Not getting enough sleep can send you into a place of mania, so it is key to manage sleep; I have insomnia and have had it all my life. When I was diagnosed with bipolar, I was told that I would have to get my sleep in place to keep myself stabilized. So, I take sleep medication every night. It has been a struggle to find a medication that works and doesn’t leave me with a hangover. I have tried multiple ones, I have cut pills in halves, quarters, etc., trying to find the amount that will give me the right amount and kind of sleep and the ability to get up in the morning and be fully functional. Another thing that can lead to mood destabilization is too much blue screen--computers, televisions, smart phones, etc. My work has always involved hours on a computer so, trying to manage all of this is terribly challenging. Since, what I might call “the ADHD debacle” and ensuing 18 months of trying to put my life back together, I have worked exceptionally hard at getting my sleep in a good place. Anyone who has had problems with sleep has most likely heard the phrase “sleep hygiene”. It is as important as any sleep medication. My sleep hygiene involves, being home by 7pm every night. I take my medications, all of which causes drowsiness, at 8:30pm and climb in bed sometime before 10pm. I am off all blue screens by no later than 9 pm. As you can imagine, this has a significant impact on the types of activities I can be involved in and eliminates any evening or night time employment. There is a great deal to manage with this disorder and all of us who have it, need, if nothing more, support in keeping ourselves healthy. We do not need to be looked at as hypochondriacs, seeking attention, lazy, looking for a handout, trying to work the system or any other derogatory stereotype. The majority of us are doing our very best with little if any support from society, employers or government assistance. If the disorder doesn't leave a person feeling hopeless enough, the frustration of not being able to support one's self financially and retain your health will. Reducing stigma will be very helpful for those of us with bipolar so that we might receive the support to manage our symptoms and be as self reliant as possible.
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